a fate worse than death
by homokage
Summary: Death was too kind, an easy way out, and the universe wanted to punish him.


written for a kakanaru writing contest, the prompt being gravity/force

Kakashi is not sure what to say, his tongue falls heavy in his mouth and his brain is slowly shutting down. It's almost midnight after all.

"I can't keep doing this, Naruto" He manages, pinching the bridge of his nose, his eyes drooping shut. He has to stay up, but he's tired, so very tired.

How many times has he and Naruto fought over this? He's lost count, or maybe he doesn't care to remember each time.

"I can't either, kakashi, so why do we?" Naruto's voice has an edge to it, something that is new to Kakashi, and cuts him.

Why do they continue to put themselves in this position?

Kakashi's eyes slowly open, tinged pink, focusing on the blurry figure sitting on the couch adjacent of him. He sees that Naruto is not wearing his usual suit and tie, instead, he wore a running sweat suit. Odd.

"Because we love each other" For some reason it feels like a lie, but it isn't, is it? They've both said 'I love you' countless times, but now it feels like they're trying to convince themselves it's true.

Naruto sighs, falling farther back into the couch, his calm demeanor changing, irritation now clear on his face.

"You always say that, and now" Kakashi wants him to stop talking,"I don't even think we do" Naruto jumps up off the couch, pacing in front of Kakashi, his frustration continuing to grow.

Kakashi wants to argue with him, like he always does, but he can't find the energy to do so. He's so tired. Tired of having to do this all the time. Tired of arguing with Naruto. When will it end?

Naruto stops pacing, bites his thumb nail before turning to face Kakashi. He's angry with the lack of response he's getting from his so called lover.

"Nothing? Seriously? You have absolutely nothing to say all of a sudden?" Naruto raised his voice, causing Kakashi to flinch, briefly shutting his eyes.

Naruto has never raised his voice, ever.

"I'm tired, Naruto" Kakashi sighed, hoping Naruto would understand how he felt, but he didn't.

Naruto scoffed at him and went back to pacing, mumbling incoherently to himself. It seemed that what Kakashi had said only angered him even further.

"Tired? Are you serious?" Naruto yelled, kicking the couch he had been sitting on.

Kakashi flinched, a sense of fear growing rapidly in his gut. He's never feared Naruto, not the loving, sweet Naruto. Is he really the same man he fell in love with?

"It's midnight, I've been working for two days straight" Kakashi stood up,"can we deal with this another time?" He yawned, hoping to further prove his point that he was indeed tired.

That was a mistake.

"Are you fucking kidding me? No, this can't wait because we always put it off! This," He gestured back and forth as if to represent them"needs to be figured out now." Naruto huffed.

There's no use in arguing with Naruto, so he sits back down on the chair, fighting to keep his eyes open. He's almost afraid to even blink.

"Okay, fine, what do you want to talk about?" Kakashi asked, keeping his calm composure even though he's slowly breaking on the inside.

He hadn't realized just how bad things were between him and Naruto, or maybe he didn't want to see that things were gradually worsening.

The rare arguments soon turned into a daily thing, and with each fight they became more and more brutal. Their words were meant to tear down one another, belittle them, and then they'd make up as if nothing happened.

In hindsight, he could now see that maybe he and Naruto hadn't loved each other for a while, not the way they had when the first started dating.

"You're never home, even when you get days off from work you aren't here. I feel like you purposely take on these cases so you don't have to spend time with me." Naruto closed his eyes, shaking his head.

Kakashi feels like he's listening to a broken record now.

"I've told you that's not what's happening-"

"I don't care, it's how I feel, and you can't just ignore how I feel!" Naruto screamed, his eyes now open, red, puffy, and filled with tears.

Kakashi bit his lip. He doesn't know how many times he can tell Naruto that that isn't the case.

Naruto took a few deep breaths, wiping his eyes as to prevent the tears from falling down his cheeks.

Kakashi wants to reach out and comfort him, but he stops himself. Now's not the right time.

"Are you cheating on me, Kakashi?" Naruto asks, his hands clenching the sides of his sweat pants, knuckles turning white.

Kakashi's eyes widen at the outrageous accusation, and it feels as if he's been pierced through the stomach.

"No, of course not! I love you" Now it's his turn to be angry. After all the years they spent together, the love and affection Kakashi showed him, he had the audacity to even ask such a thing.

"You don't love me, not anymore. You and I both know it's been a long time since either of us have felt that way" Naruto argued.

Kakashi's head hung down, eyes burning, his teeth gritting. He wanted to deny Naruto's accusation, but then he'd be lying.

The air was heavy with an emotion neither could put their finger on, but it was suffocating, like the oxygen was slowly depleting.

Naruto looked at Kakashi, eyes filled with sorrow and regret, his lips slightly parted as if he wanted to say something. He didn't, instead he walked past Kakashi and to their room, slamming the door shut.

It's only in that moment does Kakashi finally processed what had just took place. Naruto doesn't love him, he doesn't love Naruto.

The door to their room opened, and for a second Kakashi thought that maybe Naruto would apologize. They'd make up, have sex, then argue the next day.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

"I'm leaving Kakashi"Naruto stated as he walked past the chair that Kakashi sat in, a duffel bag slung across his shoulder, filled up with what Kakashi guessed was his clothes and valuables.

His hand is on the door knob, twisting it, and Kakashi felt as if he was watching it happen in slow motion.

"No, don't" Kakashi gets up from the chair, scooting it back across the wooden floor, his hand reaching out to grab Naruto's wrist, but he doesn't.

Naruto doesn't even turn to face Kakashi, but his body tenses up at the feeling of Kakashi being so close.

"Please, don't go" Kakashi's voice cracks, and he feels like that small, helpless kid he use to be. Was this really what he had become?

Maybe he had been neglecting his relationship with Naruto, but that didn't mean he had fallen out of love with the blond. After all they had been through there was no way Kakashi didn't love Naruto.

"I love you" He means it.

Naruto flinches, as if hearing the sincerity in Kakashi's voice brought up old memories that he had been trying to keep buried. Perhaps he did want to forget about the good times they had, it'd make it so much easier to leave if he did.

"You don't, stop lying!" His body shook with each word, his hand gripping the door knob so tight it seemed that he would break it.

Kakashi's body moved on instinct, his arms wrapping around Naruto's waist, his head nestled in the crook of his neck. The tip of his nose touched Naruto's neck, and he could smell the cologne he bought him for his birthday the year before.

It's been a while since he's been this close to Naruto, and he's missed it.

"I mean it, don't leave" A tear slipped from his eye, falling onto Naruto's neck.

Naruto's body rested against Kakashi for support, and for a moment, Kakashi let himself believe that he had won Naruto over.

"I'm sorry" Naruto opened the door, ripping himself out of Kakashi's arms, and walked out.

That was it, wasn't it? Just like that, years of happiness, unconditional love and support, just thrown out the window.

He didn't realize he was falling to the ground until his knees hit the wood, a crack echoing in the silent home.

"Naruto!" He screamed, his hand clutching his shirt, hot tears pouring down his face.

He couldn't breath, the air becoming thinner and thinner, choking him. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest, and he feared that at any second it would just explode.

Was he dying? No, death was too kind, an easy way out, and the universe wanted to punish him.

He lost the only person he had ever loved, and that was a fate worse then death.


End file.
